If used carefully, text messages can be a very powerful tool to get back together with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.
In this article, you’ll learn…
- The #1 best way to make sure your texts work as intended
- A number of common attraction-killing mistakes people make when texting an ex
- How to reverse any previous damage or mistakes since the breakup
- The top 3 texts to send to your ex to build rapport & attraction
- The right way to set up an in-person ‘date’ via text
- How to figure out what your ex’s texts really mean
So, are you ready to learn how to use text messages to win back your ex? Let’s get started…
Texts To Help Win Back Your Ex
Texting can be an extremely effective method of establishing rapport, trust, and attraction with your ex… if executed correctly.
If you have no idea what you’re doing, then texting your ex can be a one-way ticket to “staying single and looking desperate”.
So, that’s what I’m going to teach you in this article: how to use a handful of sneaky text messages to change your ex’s mind about the breakup, and eventually decide (on their own!) to take you back.
Texting Your Ex: Is It The Best Way To Communicate?
A lot of clients ask me, “should I call or text my ex?”
Personally, from my 12+ years of experience as a breakup coach, I believe texting is a much safer way to communicate with your ex.
It doesn’t require you to have a full-blown, face-to-face conversation and it’s extremely non-invasive. Your ex is free to reply to you whenever he or she wants, and you’re able to reply to your ex’s text whenever you want too. This sort of dynamic allows you time to think about what to say before you actually say it.
With most of my coaching clients, I tell them that texting is usually the best route when communicating with their exes… although there are occasionally certain scenarios where texting might not be the right move. (For instance, if you and your ex never texted one another during your relationship, it might be weird to all of a sudden start texting him or her.)
Common Texting Mistakes To Avoid
Below are several things you absolutely should NOT do if you want to get your ex back through texting.
Sadly, after coaching thousands of breakup clients over the past decade, I know for a fact that the vast majority of people DO commit these huge texting errors I’m about to describe… and theses mistakes can sometimes decimate any chance of rekindling a relationship with an ex.
I always like the saying, “when emotions run high, logic runs low.”
When you’re reeling from a tough breakup, chances are you’re not thinking clearly. You’re heartbroken, desperate, depressed, and you’re just not yourself. Most importantly, you’re not thinking logically! And when logic goes out the window, people tend to send 3 kinds of BAD text messages.
These are counter-productive text messages that you might be guilty of, so it’s important you read this section carefully…
Bad Text #1 – The “Ex Hate” Text Message
While venting can be therapeutic, saying mean things to your ex will ruin your chances of ever rebuilding a relationship with him or her. If you find yourself angry with your ex, then give yourself a moment to cool down before you pick up your phone.
While being angry and emotional is COMPLETELY NORMAL for a person in your situation, it’s wise to not act on these emotions if you want to win your ex back.
After all…. what is your goal right now? To get in that “one last shot” at your ex? Or to win them back and make them love you again?
Think about it this way: people tend to gravitate towards things that make them feel good, and if your ex associates negative feelings with YOU, the less likely it is they’ll feel attracted to you again — let alone talk to you. So take a chill pill, relax, and live to fight another day.
Bad Text #2 – Spam Texting Your Ex
When emotions are running and high and you’re feeling desperate, all you want to do is just pick up your phone and start texting your ex non-stop. The problem with that is that nobody likes spam, and nobody wants to talk to someone who’s frantic and desperate.
Put yourself in the shoes of someone who’s receiving 20 or 30 messages a day from someone you don’t even want to talk to! Maybe you’ve even been there yourself. Annoying, right?
One client told me that he sent 67 text messages over the course of 2 days to his ex without getting a single reply… and needless to say, this man didn’t get his ex back. (No surprise there.)
Bad Text #3 – Overly Emotional Text Messages
These are texts that come across as extremely needy. Anything along the lines of…
“You broke you my heart!”
“I don’t think I can love another again.”
Texts like these will kill any sort of attraction that your ex has for you.
When you send your ex a message like these examples above, you might think that these texts sound honest and sweet. In reality, showing so much “neediness” will actually drive your ex far, far away.
By sending any of these three text messages, you turn yourself into what I call “The Texting Terrorist”. You’re forcing your ex to feel hurt and annoyed by you… and in some cases, you’ll even scare your ex off completely.
Already Sent Your Ex One Of These Bad Texts?
Now I know what some of you might be thinking: “Oh crap, I totally made all of these texting mistakes! Am I screwed or is there a chance of salvaging my situation?”
The quick answer is yes, there is a chance you can recover from these mistakes and there probably is a chance you can get back on the road of winning your ex back.
Get Your Ex To “Emotional Neutral” Before Texting
If you’ve committed some of these errors, then it’s important to get your ex back to what I call an “Emotional Neutral” state.
Right now, your ex is feeling annoyed or angered by your text messages (and rightfully so). The next logical step, therefore, is to remove all the negative feelings your ex has of you by sending a quick apology text and employing the no-contact strategy.
As much as you may not want to hear this, “no contact” is almost always critical if you want to eventually get your ex back. There are some certain exceptions to this rule, but for 90% of all breakups, no-contact is a must.
Before you engage in the period of no contact, though, you’ll want to send a quick apology text message to your ex. Don’t ramble on or get overly emotional, just fire off a simple message like this:
“Sorry I’ve been emotional the last few days. Other things have been stressing me on top of this breakout and I lashed out. Wish you luck.”
This text message accomplishes two things – you apologize to your ex and you give yourself an excuse for acting inappropriately.
After you send this, you MUST engage in no-contact (preferably for 30+ days). It doesn’t matter if your ex texts you back or asks you how you’re doing, etc… when I say no contact, I really do mean NO CONTACT.
The only time it’s acceptable to respond or reach out to your ex during this time is if NOT doing so will lead to even bigger problems (ie. if you must discuss important things like who will pay the monthly rent on your shared apartment, who will take your dog to the vet, etc).
How Does ‘No Contact’ Undo Past Texting Mistakes?
Right now, your ex thinks that YOU’RE chasing THEM. Your ex believes that they have all the ‘power’ and that, if they wanted to, they could have you back whenever they wanted. What you need to do, therefore, is to take that power away from them so that they begin to start chasing you.
For example, imagine your ex sends you a message 15 days into the no-contact period and he or she gets no reply for several days. Your ex will start constantly checking his or her phone, waiting for a response. This will make your ex emotional and he or she will wonder why you aren’t replying.
This is exactly why no-contact works so brilliantly. It turns the tables upside down and makes your ex WANT to talk to you. Make sense?
Not sure whether ‘no contact’ is right for your specific situation? Need help coming up with a surefire plan to win back your ex? Sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching program and I’ll personally guide you every step of the way.
Now that you’ve sent your ex a quick apology message, followed by a period of at least 30 days without contacting him or her at all, the stage is set and it’s time to start texting your way back into your ex’s arms…
Text Messages That Will Win Back Your Ex
At this point, I’m going to assume you’ve done everything I’ve recommended above, and you’ve properly set the stage for the attraction-building texts that I’ll be covering shortly.
Since you haven’t spoken to your ex for a month (or more), your only goal right now should be to establish positive rapport with your ex.
You’re not going to make them fall madly in love with you again just by sending a few messages to them… sorry to disappoint, but you have to take things one step at a time. Building rapport is a crucial starting point.
So what kind of text should you be sending? In my best-selling guide, The Ex Factor, I go through dozens of text messaging examples, but here in this article I’m just going to cover three types of text messages that are sure to establish a good basis for reconnecting with your ex.
Good Text #1: The “Big Interest” Text Message
Nobody wants to receive a super boring text like “hey” or “what’s up”. Not only do these texts lack purpose, but they also don’t make your ex feel any emotions at all.
You want to send something that makes them feel good… AND has actual value. For example:
“Hey, just heard that the ‘Foo Fighters’ are coming into town in June… just remembered how much you loved them. Hope everything is going well.”
Why does this text message work? Well, for one, you have a very clear purpose as to why you’re texting your ex. You’re not begging, you’re not pleading or getting angry… you’re simply letting him or her know about something that may be a huge interest to them.
Secondly, you don’t force a conversation. You end the reply with, “hope everything is going well”. Your ex can reply to your text or they can simply ignore it if they want, but if you’ve done everything correctly up to this point, you should be getting a positive response from your ex.
The second ice-breaker text message is a little more advanced, so use it with caution…
Good Text #2: The “Good Reminder” Text Message
The goal of this text message is to remind your ex of a positive experience you two shared while you were together, without appearing awkward or weird. For example, you could say:
“Hey, remember that amazing dinner we had on the corner of Smith and Robson Street? What was the name of that restaurant again? I want to take a friend there.”
Depending on where you’re at with your ex, this message can do wonders. In this particular example, you’re reminding your ex of the amazing dinner you two shared together. This will force your ex to think about that positive experience.
This text message is great because it incites a little bit of jealousy and mystery. Your ex might be thinking, “WHO are they taking to dinner, and WHY?”
This text message is extremely effective if you send it at the right time. If you feel like your ex is still annoyed or irritated to hear from you, then sending this text is going to backfire on you.
The third text message is one of my favourites….
Good Text #3: The “Smile” Text Message
OK, now, this text message should only be used if you handled your breakup properly. That means that you didn’t beg or plead, and you didn’t get angry or turn things into a screaming match.
Here’s an example of a “smile” text:
“I just stumbled upon my old copy of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and it made me think about you for the first time in awhile… and it put a smile on my face!”
Again, as with the previous two text messages, this message has a real purpose. You’re trying to reel your ex in emotionally with something positive and interesting.
You aren’t trying to stir up any drama or the set the world on fire, either. You’re simply reconnecting and building rapport. Attraction, love, romance, etc., are things that will come much later in this process.
Don’t get this part wrong, because it’s critical to your success. If you’re feeling lost or stuck in your situation and unsure what to do next, register for 1-on-1 coaching and I’ll personally help you build a comprehensive strategy for getting your ex back (for good).
The 3 Rules For Texting Your Ex
Hopefully, if you’ve done everything correctly to this point, your ex will respond to you in a positive way. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves — there are a few things you need to remember when trying to carry a conversation with him or her…
Texting Rule #1 – Put a “delay” in between all of your text messages.
At this point, you’ll want to appear as nonchalant as possible, and putting a solid delay in between text messages can do just that.
Instead of replying to your ex’s text messages right away, wait an hour or more. This will create some level of anticipation, and will also help remove any sort of lingering “desperate” or “needy” sentiments in the back of your ex’s mind.
Also, if you’ve just reconnected after the no contact period, then you should only be exchanging a few text messages a day – no more than 6 or 7 text messages in any given day.
There’s no doubt that timing is everything when it comes to texting your ex, and it’s certainly something you want to get right. Delaying replies is a great way to ensure you don’t look like a clingy loser to your ex.
Texting Rule #2 – Keep your replies brief, but don’t forget some basic principles.
If you were to send huge, long, rambling text messages, your might appear a little desperate for attention. So keep the text messages as short as possible, but not so short that you kill the conversation. Keep talking about things that interest your ex and ask honest questions.
Texting Rule #3 – Never bring up any drama.
Don’t talk about your past relationship, don’t ask who they’re dating right now, and don’t try and argue with your ex. The goal here is to remain positive so that your ex will WANT to meet up with you.
Using Text Messages To Arrange a “Date”
So now that we’ve established some rules, how do you go from texting your ex to dating your ex? It’s time to establish a quick meet up with your ex. In person.
No, you don’t want to ask your ex out on a date or anything like that. Definitely do NOT do that. But you’ll want to have a quick coffee or hangout with your ex, because texting can only get you so far… to “seal the deal”, it’s typically necessary to meet your ex once or twice in person.
The best way to arrange this is to make sure you have a very good, legitimate-sounding reason to want to see your ex.
For example, say you’ve been texting your ex back and forth for a few days and you want to finally take it to the next level and set up a coffee hangout. Don’t just ask them to go out for coffee – this could set off alarm bells inside your ex’s mind. You’ll want to have an excuse to meet up with your ex. For example, you could say:
“By the way, I’m planning a trip to Montreal at the end of August and could use some advice. Since I know you’ve been there many times, it would be awesome if you could give me some advice! Can we grab a quick coffee this Friday? I’d really appreciate it!”
And here’s another example:
“I’m redesigning my living room and was wondering if you could give me a few pointers! I know you’ve always been good with interior design stuff. Could we grab a quick 20 minute coffee?”
Something simple and straightforward this is a perfect way to set the tone.
You’ll want to appear friendly FOR NOW… any sort of flirting or suggestion of romance in these texts might scare off your ex. Save that for the actual in-person ‘date’, where you can read your ex’s reactions and adjust your level of flirting accordingly.
At this point, assuming you actually read the tips and advice I’ve just shared with you, you’re already in much better shape than you were when you first landed on this webpage. Good luck — I’ll be rooting for you!