Don’t Reach Out To Your Ex Boyfriend Yet: Here’s Why

This is a topic that you’ll read about on every “ex back” website and book: why you shouldn’t contact your boyfriend for a while after breaking up.

This disappearing act is often referred to as the “no contact” period, and it is usually the first (and most important) step in getting your ex back.

The no contact period involves literally zero communication between you and your ex boyfriend — not even a one sentence text message.

Why Can’t I Contact Him?

There are a few reasons for the “no contact” phase. The first is that it will help you accept the reality of the breakup, and will force you to adjust to life without your ex boyfriend (for now).

Secondly, it’s important to realize that your ex boyfriend’s daily life and personal affairs are no longer your business. That’s not to say you can’t and shouldn’t be interested in his life, but you don’t have a right to ask about what he’s doing or where he’s going.

He broke up with you, and he needs space away from you for now. 

Finally — and most importantly — the no contact period affects how he views you. The most important moments in your breakup occur in the hours and days after he tells you it’s over and you go your separate ways.

No matter how long you and your ex were together, he’s going to expect you to call or text him.

Ego is a big part of any man’s personality; whether he tried to make the breakup as gentle as possible or whether hurtful words were slung back and forth, your ex is going to expect (and want) you to call him.

He is going to assume that you’re still desperately wanting to get back together with him.

By not contacting your ex, you’re showing him that he’s not in control of the situation.

If you haven’t called or texted your ex boyfriend, he’ll assume that you don’t want to get back together, and that puts you in a much better position. It removes his “safety net” where he can fall back to your relationship should he decide the breakup was a mistake. And that will actually make him second-guess his decision to break up with you even more.

Well, I Need To Contact My Ex Because …

No, sorry, there’s really no excuse. You don’t need to pick up that pair of running shoes from your boyfriend’s house. It can wait for a few weeks.

Aside from perhaps situations involving marriage, finances, or children, there’s simply no good reason for you to break the “no contact” rule in the first month or so after breaking up.

This also applies to all lines of communication including text messaging, Facebook messages, hand-written notes tucked under your ex’s car windshield wiper. These are all “forbidden” during the no contact period.

What If I Can’t Avoid Contact?

Disappearing from your boyfriend’s radar may be difficult at times. This is especially true if you travel in the same social circles, have mutual friends, or go to the same school / work in the same place.

You may even just bump into your ex boyfriend at the local coffee shop, or find yourself out with friends only to discover that he was also invited to the event by inconsiderate mutual friends.

In this type of situation, where contact is inevitable, try to limit that contact to one-word exchanges.

Don’t be rude or overly cold, just say hello and bye and try to cut down on any small talk he may try to initiate. In reality, this might sometimes be easier than you think, because if your boyfriend dumped you, he’s probably going to try to avoid you anyway (and if he does purposefully cross paths with you, then you know he’s interested in getting back together!).

Be Extremely Careful When You Finally Talk To Him Again!

So, you’ve endured a month of complete radio silence between you and your ex boyfriend. Now what?

Well, this is where it gets really tricky, and where you can potentially win or lose your ex boyfriend forever. The first few times you contact him need to be very carefully crafted exchanges. You may be tempted to jump right back in to the serious conversation, but this is the time for a “slow and steady” approach.

To avoid making some serious mistakes at this stage — mistakes that may end up permanently killing your chances of getting back together — you need to get a step-by-step guide that will walk you through this process.

For the most comprehensive guide, I recommend The Ex Factor Guide, highly affordable and extremely effective program from relationship counselor Brad Browning.

Brad, who happens to also be an editor here at LoveLearnings, gives hundreds of real world examples (exactly what to say, when to say it, what not to do, how to approach him, etc.) that will walk you through the process.

After all, if this is the man you want to grow old with, then you can’t afford to take any chances. Click here to visit Brad’s website and get instant access to the full Ex Factor Guide program. (He also offers a bunch of free tips in the video on his website home page).

Jessica Raymond

Jessica Raymond, BSc, is LoveLearnings senior editor. As a relationship counselor, Jessica has helped hundreds of men and women achieve their relationship dreams. Whether it’s finding your one true love or simply charming someone on a date, Jessica's got your back! In her articles, she reveals little-known, psychological tips that will make even the coldest person chase you around like a little puppy.